


Cold Feelings

by Lastasalways (Xerox), Xerox



Category: Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: AU, Gen, Sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-20
Updated: 2012-05-20
Packaged: 2017-11-05 16:46:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xerox/pseuds/Lastasalways, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xerox/pseuds/Xerox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Prompt: </p><p>After Shane gets back with what Carl needs, Lori doesn't tell him to stay, so he leaves. He doesn't do very well on his own. He's alright until he runs out of ammo and it's harder to scavenge for supplies/gas without a look out. By the time he accepts that he has to go back he's sick, maybe a little malnourished, generally run down and tired.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cold Feelings

Shane was standing right next to that door, damn near in the corner and Lori was barely glancing at him, and Carl looked pale and sick and Shane couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the night and that Carl was going to be okay and he wasn’t quite numb enough for the glare that Lori sent him when he’d stood there too long.

So he shuffled out of the room, passing the kitchen just in time to see Patricia fall to the floor with sobs and he tried to work it all out in his head, what he was going to say and what he was going to do, and what the fuck happened. When he’d done it, he hadn’t been thinking about the woman back here, hoping for her husband to come back, he’d been thinking of Carl on that bed struggling to live and himself being dragged down by so many hands wanting to tear him to fucking pieces.

And he’d shaved his head in a desperate attempt to wash any evidence of what he’d done off, but it didn’t help just like the shower hadn’t helped and when he finally looked in that mirror he was numb to it all. This was what needed to be done and he wasn’t going to regret that and he wasn’t going to feel guilty of that.

The sun wasn’t far from coming up when he stepped out onto the porch, skin still wet from the shower and the sweat just starting to build up again. He could leave, make his own way to Fort Benning, and the idea seemed too good to pass up, all he needed was his car back and he’d be good to go. He’d already packed it up with the essentials.

He fell asleep on that porch and he was working on random chores when the group pulled up, and he couldn’t look at any of them as Rick told them what he’d thought had happened and then while they made plans for Otis’ funeral. It made his skin crawl and he made his way to his car while they were all talking and made his getaway as quietly as he could.

And that first day he felt free, without anyone relying on him or Lori with her accusing fucking eyes. He was his own man, like he used to be before this all went to shit and he kept the windows down so he could feel the wind blowing on his face.

Two days later he was a little lost and running low on supplies. He was still good on ammo but his ankle was aching something awful and he was struggling to ration his water out in something of a reasonable fashion and scavenging wasn’t bringing up too much. He’d find himself out of the car, constantly jerking at every noise as he’d dig through the random house or empty store.

A week later and his supplies were nearly gone, he’d found some water, enough to keep him going but it didn’t stop the aching hole that his stomach was and his ammo was starting to run low. He’d thought it would be easy, out here in the country everyone should have guns. But it wasn’t like that, he would have sworn there were more guns per people in Atlanta then out here where no one seemed to have anything.

By two weeks his whole body was aching and he was constantly fighting dizziness, he’d found some packets of junk food the other day but it hadn’t done much of anything and he didn’t feel so much as free as hopeless now as his car needled on down to empty. He’d finally found where the fuck he was, an hour spent staring at a map he’d managed to find showed that he wasn’t maybe a days drive out from that damned farm and Rick.

And he sat there, staring at the walker he couldn’t kill because he didn’t have any more ammo and he was too weak to kill it any other ways, trying to figure out if he had it in him to go back the farm, tail between his legs and begging to be allowed to return. He held his breath and pretended to be dead as the walker shambled past him, locked in his car like it could protect him and when it passed he’d made up his mind.

 

Things were a bit off kilter as he made his way back, and he’d used his last bullet on a walker that had come up behind him when he’d been syphoning gas. His arms were scraped to hell and he might have hit his head harder than he thought on the pavement, but he made it there somehow. 

The sun was high up in the sky and the heat was quickly becoming too much for Shane but he pulled up slower than he usually would, taking count of all the tents but barely noticing the wary eyes that followed his car.

It wasn’t until he climbed out of the car, his feet a little unsteady underneath him and he saw Rick walk out of that farm with Lori behind him, that he felt a little hesitant about his decision. Like maybe he should have stuck to his guns just a little bit longer because they looked pissed.

Lori had always worn her emotions straight on her face but a lot of the time Rick kept his under guard like they were fucking special and he needed to keep them secret. But right now Rick looked pissed and Shane just stood there as Rick walked purposely up to him. And yeah, Rick was pissed, he could see it in the way his lips were thinned just that right amount and if Shane had been all there, had all of his thoughts and mind squared away he might have been expecting the punch that threw him up against the door.

Instead he let it slam his head to the side and leave him trying to blink the fucking stars away as he slid down that damned ugly ass green door. Rick was talking but he couldn’t hear him, over the fucking sound of his own damned blood pounding through his ears.

He spit blood down by his knee, staring at the tire for a while before finally looking up at Rick who looked like he’d done and shut up already. So he grinned, knowing it was blood filled and not even caring. “It’s not too easy out there on m’own.” He mumbled with a laugh that felt like it went and got stuck in his throat.

And Rick just pulled him up by his collar, yelling again. “We didn’t know what happened to you!” Shane caught but turned and looked away, not wanting to look at him anymore let alone straight on in his eyes.

“Didn’t think anyone would care,” he mumbled all self pitying and that cough he’d been fighting the whole day fought its way out and he tried to lean back as he coughed off to the side and caught Lori’s eyes, looking all kinds of pissed. Well fuck her, she hadn’t wanted him here to fucking begin with. Had fucking told him to leave, was probably pissed he’d done and come back. Well he wasn’t going to fucking die to make her highness happy.

“What’d you do to yourself,” Rick sighed and pulled him into a hug he hadn’t been expecting and he just let himself lean into it, too damned tired to fight against it. “C’mon then,” and Rick sounded as tired as Shane felt and he was being lead inside by a firm hand on his shoulder.  
He sat down at the table where Rick placed him, and it looked like they had a set up the room for everyone to eat at, even had a kid’s table or two. He briefly wondered who had been sat at them, like it was a holiday and someone always had to be sat out because there was never enough room at the dining room table.

“Where’d you go, man?” Rick asked when he came back with a cup of water that made Shane just itch to grab it and chug it down, even if he knew it would end badly.

“Was gonna go to Fort Benning, but forgot a map.” He answered with a shrug and a tired snort, because didn’t that just figure. All ready to head out until he realized he’d forgotten a damned map and everywhere he’d stopped, there hadn’t been a one left. “Kind of moron forgets a map, huh?”

“Well,” Rick said and he looked serious but that previous anger seemed gone, replaced with a weary kind of relief that Shane had hoped for but hadn’t expected. “I’m glad you did, glad to have you back brother.”

And Shane chose that moment to chug the water down, not wanting to respond to that, hell not knowing how to because he wasn’t all that glad to be back. Not after leaving the way he had and definitely not because he was coming back because he couldn’t make it out there on his own. Just hadn’t had a choice, not much of one anyway.

“Still haven’t found Sophia but Carl is up and about,” Rick was saying when Shane started chocking on the water and found himself bent over and struggling to catch his breath. And then Herschel was there but he just kept his head on the table and focused on breathing, because fuck, if Daryl Dixon could make it on his own, he should be able to, or at least make less of a wreck of himself.

-

He woke up the next morning with a cough that started deep in his chest and a bone tired weariness that made him think about staying in the stuffy ass tent all day. He’d known it the minute the cough had started up that he was going to get sick, get a chest cold that refused to leave for months… and with winter coming in like it felt it was… it was just going to get worse.

Eventually, he bucked up like the man he claimed to be and pulled himself out of that tent, half tempted to just walk around in the boxers he’d slept in. His clothes were disgusting, all of them covered in some sort of grime and if he’d bother to get dressed he’d just look like Dixon come back from a hunting trip.

In the end, he pulled on the pair of pants he’d been wearing the day before, they were the least stiff, and maybe his nose had just gotten used to the smell, but they were also the least smelling. Didn’t bother with a shirt though, and when he looked down, yeah he’d lost a little bit of weight but it didn’t look all that bad, not enough that he would bother with a damned shirt.

It had to be almost noon as he pulled himself out of the tent, blinking back the light and looked around. He was pretty sure he’d been ordered to rest and show up for Herschel to do a proper check up in the morning but he didn’t feel much like it. Him and Herschel had never got along much and well, he didn’t feel much like going over and begging that the man checked to see if he was dying or not. Because fuck it, he wasn’t dying and that was just a practice in humiliation.

And he was just closing up his tent when Andrea came up behind him and threw a couple of pair of pants at him. “You could have told me you were leaving,” she said, but it was like she couldn’t do angry and Shane just didn’t give a fuck that she was indignated at his choice of how and when he was leaving. Like he owed her a damned thing.

“Obviously, it was well planned.” He answered sarcastically before turning away. “Thanks,” he mumbled looking down at the pants and he’d grabbed them just where he could see that someone had stitched up the hole he’d gotten from a walker. 

Been digging through a car, focused on trying to read the damned expiration date on a chocolate bar when it had grabbed his leg and just pulled and clawed until he’d stumped its damn face in finally. Hadn’t had the time or the materials to try and fix them himself, had been half considering wearing them anyway if they got cleaner than the ones he was wearing.

“Thanks,” he added turning around to go put them on instead when he felt Andrea’s hand on the small of his back.

“You didn’t have to go alone,”

He shrugged, not turning around because he hadn’t seen it that way, not at the time and still didn’t, not really. “Yeah, I did.”

And that was that, because what else was there to say. It was obvious he didn’t want Andrea along, and he didn’t want much to do with her right now either.

-

Rick wasn’t all that amused to find out he’d ignored his orders about getting checked out fully. Came to find him sitting on the tail gate of that blue truck and staring out at the tree line, avoiding the rest of the group and not in the mood to deal with Dale’s stupid fucking looks. “This how its going to be now?” Rick asked beside him and Shane just grunted an answer. “What made you think that you weren’t wanted here?”

And Shane barked a laugh, because Rick might not know what had gone on between him and Lori but he had to have been able to read the uneasiness between them. It was so damned glaringly obvious. “Man,” and Shane shook his head because he wasn’t dealing with this right now, not if Rick thought everything was still cake and candles around here. “Don’t tell me you ain’t thought, at least once, you wish I was gone. Tell me it and look me in the eyes while you do.”

“Shane,” and he jerked away from the hand Rick put on his shoulder. “I never wanted you to leave.” And Rick grabbed him again, turning him around fast enough that he stumbled. “Look at me, just look. I ‘never’ wanted you to leave.”

And Shane couldn’t help but look away because Rick looked like he fucking meant it, and that tore at Shane a bit because he’d known it wouldn’t fill Rick with happiness that he left without saying anything, but he’d figured he’d get over it.

“C’mon, Herschel’s waiting on you, wants to take a listen at your lungs… we can hear you coughing from a mile away.” Rick said, changing the subject and the tone and Shane had no defense but to nod and let himself be lead into the farm, even if it felt like a weird sort of death march.

He forced himself to keep his head up as he was lead through the house and into the ‘sick’ room and sat down on the bed that he’d last seen Carl on. Hadn’t seen the kid since he’d come back, but Rick had said he was up and about, so he was alive and that had to be enough Shane supposed.

Herschel quickly pronounced him healthy enough, still dehydrated and still malnourished, none of that had changed from the quick look over the other night. The congestion in his chest sounded like it was getting thicker, but it didn’t sound dangerous yet. He was ordered to take some cough syrup and get more rest and that was that.

Sounded like a plan to Shane, who already felt that the day had been long enough and felt like it was time to get some sleep and maybe tomorrow he’d wake up and it wouldn’t be so fucking awkward and uncomfortable and he wouldn’t be questioning why the fuck he’d come back.

-

He was sitting by the fire, stirring what was left of the embers when Lori found him. It was late and he had figured everyone had been long asleep, but here she was, standing just on the other side of the fire and staring him down.

He looked down and away when she just kept standing there, silent and judging and reminding him of all the reasons he had left in the first place. All that want, and all the disregard and he’d lost it all. Because Rick had come back after Shane had given him up for dead, stubborn ass fucking Rick.

When he looked back up she was gone, like she was nothing but a ghost and Shane just shrugged it away, he’d tried escaping it all and this is where it turned out. Right back at the fucking beginning.

-

Carl was ecstatic to see him, and just that took some weight off of Shane and he found himself wishing that everything was as easy as it was for Carl. Except Lori came back, all that disapproval surrounding her like a cloud, and asked to have a word with him. Leaving Carl to go find something else to do, and Shane watched as he walked dejectedly back to the farm, kicking imaginary stones as he did. “I don’t want you near my son,” she said as soon as Carl was far enough away to not hear. Which just figured, turned him into the bad guy here, again. Once again, he’d be the one taking it out on Carl when the kid went to his parents confused about why Shane didn’t want to be around him again.

“Didn’t we already try this, and then you got onto me about taking it out on him?” Shane asked, too tired to sound anything but tired with it all.

“Why did you come back?” She asked instead and when he looked at her all he saw was spite and anger, and yeah maybe he was fucked in the head because that just made him want her more.

And he just stared her right back down, because that answer was obvious just by looking at him, and she knew it. She just wanted to force him to admit it, that he hadn’t been able to do it out on his own, and really fuck that. There was only so far Shane would bend for any damn woman, and that was too damned far. 

So when she continued to stare him down, like she could force him to admit his failure, he stood up with a small smile and turned toward Andrea. “Hey, you still wanna learn to shoot?”

He didn’t even bother to listen as she stormed off, because maybe he just might have time for Andrea, and if nothing else Andrea would help him lose this excess energy this damned farm kept building up in him.


End file.
